My surgery is now 17 days away and I still have not come to terms with the fact that I am sick. I should probably start working on that. My therapist says it is normal, which is good I guess? I know waking up in a hospital bed with multiple tubes coming out of me will be a rude awakening. Therefore I would like to wrap my brain around my illness before that happens. I feel like once I accept my cancer, I will be able to live my life better. Does that make sense? Since I am still partially living in denial, I feel guilty over doing certain things. Such as when people speak about work, I feel guilty for not only not working, but also do no feel like I can speak about how my day consisted of naps and swimming. Even though like most females I love shopping, I feel guilty for even spending a dime.
“That’s not what your money is for Jamie. It is for parking, hospital bills, medication and so on.” – This is the thought that runs through my head every time I buy an ice cream.
That is so boring though.
My therapist also says I should stop thinking this way. That I should do whatever makes me happy. My life should not consist of any more rules, but only life experiences. If I want to experience two McFlurry’s in one day, so be it. If I want to go to California, plan it and go. So that’s the new rule I live by, the “no rules” rule.