I have gone from constantly making sure I have a visitor every minute of the day, to barely answering text messages. I feel like there is now so much information for my brain to process, that I no longer need a distraction for it. Before I wanted nothing more than to shut my brain off, which is why I tried to occupy myself all the time. Now I have way too much going on inside my head – so my thoughts are kind of cancelling each other out. There are too many thoughts to filter through so now I do not constantly think about “what is wrong with me” all the time. So when people ask me how I am and what not, it forces me to go through my thoughts and try to sort them out. Mentally exhausting. It may not be the best way to handle it (ignoring the world), but it works for me. Now I keep it to one visitor a day. So I only have to think about it once and then I can relax for the rest of the time. So I apologize to anyone who has reached out and have not heard back from me. I am slowly coming around to getting in touch with everyone…. but by “slowly” I mean “very slowly”.
It has been one full week now since I have been home from the hospital. I had high hopes going in that this time would be different. If they knew the drugs that did not work for me, I would be in the clear. Nope, wrong again. It started off so well I thought. I woke up from my surgery and was almost fully lucid by Monday night. Tuesday morning they removed the drainage tube running down my nose into my stomach (I did not have this last time…. not fun). By Tuesday afternoon they were moving me out of the ICU and into the surgery ward. Then there was Wednesday. The morning of this day is foggy to me, but I know by the afternoon my pulse had risen to 160 and I thought I was dying. Seriously though. I would look the the clock and a minute would feel like an hour. I actually thought, “Well, this is how I die”. In order to try and get my heart rate under control, a doctor came in and said something to me, but all I could make out was, “….going to hurt a lot…. stop your heart…. could control your heart rate….”. Since I thought I was dying anyways, I was willing to try anything at this point. Now, I am not sure how they did it – but I know it happened. My heart stopped and I arched my back so fast in pain. Sure enough, I was back down in the ICU that night. Thursday morning I was told they would like to put in a drain in my side to release fluid building up around my liver. Another procedure to be done while I am awake? Can’t wait! This time there was no singing or high fives – just a lot of crying. Hallucinations came and went for the next few days, but by Saturday I was well enough to move back to the ward. By Monday the vac was off my wound, and they pulled the drain out from my side (now that again…. was not fun). Tuesday afternoon came and I was good to go and on my way home.
Would you like to hear something hilarious? A few days ago I was called “sir”. Yep, that’s right – “And sir what kind of sub would you like?”. After hearing my voice that young boy proceeded to fumble over the bread. No more than 3 days later a young lady at the gas station said – “Ooo I like your hair cut”. The way the world works is so strange.
Well, just 4 days left till surgery. 4 days left till a 20% of liver failure. That is the statistic that seems to be sticking in my mind. 20%. I know that number could be worse… but who wants a chance at liver failure at all? The positive side is I see myself back at work. I see myself working and laughing at the past. Little thoughts like this get me through the statistics.
These next few days are quite busy for me. I am trying to do as much as possible since I know I will be laying on my rear for the next few weeks. Wish me luck! I will be in the hospital for a week so once I am feeling like myself again I’ll post about my time :).
Sorry for being so distant. It’s not you it’s me. My thoughts lately have been so scrambled that trying to write them down seemed like a daunting task. My second round of surgery happening so soon after my first really threw me for a loop. The first time around I was more anxious than nervous. This time however I am extra nervous. The days leading up seem to be flying by and I am running out of time.
Since I know what to expect this time around with all of the pain, I am dreading Monday. The complications I had during my last surgery will hopefully be avoided this time however. I found out while reading the surgical notes during my pre-op, that a resident performed my epidural last time. This person had a problem and a staff member had to step in. The needle was placed too far in, and caused a small spinal fluid leak – which lead to my migraines during recovery. The other piece of important information we discovered is that my body cannot tolerate injected hydromorphone. This is what lead to my hallucinations – so again this time it should be avoided.
I am very hopeful now that these two issues should be resolved, and my hospital recovery should run much smoother.
Bring it on extended left hepatectomy.