A few nights ago I was wide awake late into the night (this seems to be a reoccurring problem for me, stupid brain will not shut off) – so I hopped on the good ole Facebook to see if anyone read any interesting articles lately. I came across one about a girl who was on a reality show on MTV, who just passed away from cancer at the age of 32. I thought to myself that it would probably be a bad idea to read this, but went ahead with it anyways. Dumb. She went into remission two or three times before the cancer won the battle. I of course, immediately related this to myself and became a blubbering mess. 1:15am and the call went out to a friend – “Talk me down from this.” – I begged. Lucky for me she stayed on the phone for the next hour until I was finally ready to try falling asleep again.
Conclusion? I need to stay away from articles like this.
Conclusion #2? Why does every article or news story always seem to be about the diagnosis and death related to cancer. I never seem to come across a posting about hope and happiness. Someone who was diagnosed as terminal or with stage 4 or whatever – and is still alive years later clean and surpassing all odds. Of course this does not make for as juicy of a story then scaring the population about the horrors of cancer. There are probably a hand full of news stories out there with good news, but there is no way I am googling it and cyphering through all the bad shit.
Next Goal? Other than the fact that every birthday from here on out will be a huge celebration for me – Live to forty and force a news company to run a story about hope. Even though I do not want cancer to define who I am – have this story to be all that my life ends up being about. Telling it over and over and having it control me for years. It is hard to deny that it has changed me – as well as the people close to me. I have seen it as a beacon of strength. When you thought you were already a strong person – it has forced you outside the box of comfort and shaped you into someone you may not recognize. That is what it has done for me at least, and for many of my close relationships. I have seen people change right in front of my eyes. They have become a better version of themselves by helping me through this shitty experience. Hopefully years down the road with can laugh at this whole thing, but also maybe in a weird and crazy way be thankful. Being at your lowest of lows can also provide you with the greatest highs.