For Now

I find it interesting when I speak to people these days, I consistantly hear the word “journey” being used.

“Oh what a journey you have been on this past year”

“I bet you can’t wait until this journey is over with”

“Just think in a years time you can look back at this journey you went on and laugh”

I myself may be guilty in the past of using this word in order to help describe my current situation. The truth of the matter is, this is not a “journey” for me – this is my life. There is no end to this experience. After my lung surgery, when the doctor annouces I am cancer free, that will just be the end of one phase. From everyone on the outside life will go on. Slowly the fact that I had cancer will become just a memory for them. New people will come into my life that will not even know anything I have been through. For someone with cancer however – it never ends. There are side effects from every surgery – phantom pains, scars, etc. – these are things we have to just suck up and deal with because we exchanged them in order to save our lives. Every scan creates a mound of aniexty for the chance we will be told bad news. Every time there is the littest amount of pain in a new area – the thought that our cancer is back will instantly enter our minds. This is no journey, because journies usually have a end point. We cancer survivors forever live in the “for now”. In May when my surgeon enters the room with a big smile on his face, and annouces that I am officially cancer free – inside my head I will be saying, “for now”. 

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