Anniversary

This week marks my one year anniversary from being diagnosed with cancer. I was actually looking forward to this date. I thought it would be a positive experience to celebrate how far I have come. Just a year ago they not only told me I was sick, but also that there was no surgery option. I was told that people can survive a few years on chemo (that was supposed to calm my nerves). 

But look at me now. Just a year later I have had two surgeries, finished my chemo, and am rounding the corner to “cancer free” ville. That is why I was so taken back when instead of feeling happy and grateful, I began feeling very depressed. I no longer was able to think things like, “crazy this time last year I was doing (fill in the blank), and had no idea I had cancer”. Now I can’t say that. For some reason that upsets me. Most people I speak to do not undersand, they all seem to have the same thing to say – “Jamie, be positive! Look how far you have come!”. Yes, I agree with that – but it does not mean I am still not allowed to grieve my old life – when my world was not filled with “What if..”. 

Although no one can predict their future, it is safe to assume one fact – that you will be alive. Your mind plays head games with you when that option may not always be there. 

Should I save all my money for a house? But what if I die? 

Should I take courses in school to further my career? But what if I die? 

Should I say yes to a vacation next year? But what if I die? 

I know this whole things sounds quite morbid – but those are the true thoughts that run through my head – and I am sure a lot of people with cancer have the same morbid mind games. So I have to make a choice – I cannot stop these thoughts – but I can have an answer. “Oh well”. There is a chance for any of us to kick the bucket at any time. Even one of you reading this could go before me (sorry). I have become comfortable with the fact that my attitude can change daily, even hourly. Stepping into the positive is hard, but it is something I have to work hard at every day. To change the question to – But what if I live?

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One thought on “Anniversary

  1. Sid says:

    First thing, don’t let anyone tell you how you should/should not feel. You’ve had a crazy year and gone through a lot that many people wouldn’t be able to handle. But you did, you fought hard, and you came through to the other side.

    So after the whole battle, and fighting to get here, why not just go after the things you want? We can’t predict the future, but if there are things you want to do that mean a lot to you (such as buying a home), then focus on those goals and go for it. There may be a lot of “What If’s?”, but as you said, it could happen to anyone at anytime. This is still YOUR life so you should do what YOU want.

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