Things to look forward to:
Brand new kitchen, powder room, front door, flooring, coat closet, wall paint, light fixtures, screen door
– Main floor makeover
– 30th birthday
– Summer weather
– Jack & Jill
– Best friends wedding
– Wedding shower
– WEDDING (September 10th by the way)
Things I dread:
– Every day and night spent in the hospital
– Not being able to sleep comfortably
– Missing the pup for 2-3 months
– Sleeping alone for 2-3 months
– Losing my hair just before the wedding
– Gaining weight from steriods just before the wedding
– Being bald and fat in all of my wedding pictures
– Unable to walk the dog until the Fall
– Feeling alone
– Not being able to drive
Two years ago today I announced my diagnosis with cancer. What a different week this has been than compared to that of 2014. Crying everyday, in and out of doctors offices – but this past week I have been relaxing beachside in Jamaica. I know my doctors never thought I would be sitting here today – myself, not so sure.
Now that this life has become my constant, I can begin to reflect back on the innocence I once had. I was so scared but confident I would kick cancer in the butt. I had a lot of anger and would sometimes take that out on people close to me. Some of those people understood that my mind was so fucked up I couldn’t control it – and they stuck around. For that I am forever grateful. Others were not as strong. When you enter into the “chronic disease” category, the life around you shifts. Some people rally behind you and say things like “Don’t worry, I am in your corner.” But as the days and weeks turn into years, some of them slowly take off their gloves and step out of the ring. They too are exhausted from supporting the constant fight. It is very difficult for me to watch people one by one drop their gloves, but I am starting to come to peace with it. I too am exhausted fighting, but I don’t have the option to back out. I must keep going. Round after round I await for the judges to announce their victor, but it never seems to happen. So I wipe my brow, pick up my gloves, and get back in the ring.
As I reach the end of my vacation, the reality of what is to come starts to set in. Tuesday I will have another scan to determine how my summer will be. There is no “winning” option, so I am not sure what to hope for. The fighter in me says surgery. Cut and conquer. Surgery will hopefully buy me some time for a much needed break from treatment. Just once I would like to have an appointment where they say, “Your scan is clear. See you in three months.”
The warm breeze blowing across my body right now reminds me to take the time to appreciate what is in front of me today. Maybe three month breaks are not in my future – but today I am happy. Today I feel strong. So today I will enjoy my last day here and try not to worry about what is to come.
Yes, you read it right, I have three surgeries coming up. My scan results left me again feeling uneasy. A met on my lung and a met on my liver have showed a slight growth. Not anything that is majorly alarming, however my surgeons are concerned. Since the chemo has only been out my system for three weeks, this is too fast for things to already be growing. So yet again, they are scheduling me for another CT scan. If that scan shows growth again, then all surgeries are off and I get hooked up to the lovely chemo cocktail. If they stay stable, I will be operated on starting May 2nd. This one will be for the four on my upper right lung. Thankfully this surgery can be completed laparoscopically so I will only have three small incisions. Following this surgery on May 4th, they will perform my liver surgery. Unfortunately Dr. Jay has decided not to use the same abdominal incision he has accessed twice before, but will open me up down and across the right side of my upper abdomen/lower chest. From what I have heard, recovery from this incision is much worse – so I am totally looking forward to that. If all goes well I will be in the hospital for a total of 2.5 weeks. Shortly after I will have yet another CT scan and if that again shows no new growths, they will perform the lung wedge resection on my left side in mid-June. This side is a tad trickier, so he is planning for laparoscopic however it may end up having to be a larger incision.
So the week of my 30th birthday, after my scan, I will either find out that my cancer is WAY more aggressive than anyone has imagined and my surgeries will be cancelled – or – my body is about to endure a shit ton of pain with the hope of a successful outcome.
Again, all of the same worst case scenerios have to be spoken about and signed off. Obviously as with all surgeries there is a chance of complications, infections, liver or lung failure, yadda yadda yadda. The one that always worries me more is the increased chance of reoccurance. Weakening my body will just give the cancer all the ammo it needs to get stronger and maybe multiply again. Even if everything goes as planned and nothing grows, six weeks after my third surgery I will be right back on chemo for “maintenance”. It is a never ending rollercoaster.
So to sum it up, on my 30th birthday on April 30th I will either be upset at the fact that my cancer is being a little bitch and growing, or be upset at the fact that I am about to endure a fucking awful summer of multiple surgeries. Happy Birthday?