Three lung surgeries in one year, that fact is a little tough to swallow – and breathe. When your bad lung is relying on your other lung for support, but that lung was just bothered a month ago, it’s a struggle. Thankfully I am through the thick of it now. My hospital stay this time was shorter than usual. In on a Tuesday and out on the Saturday. Other than the usual chest tube annoyances, it was a pretty regular hospital stay for me. What I was not expecting since I was feeling like a pro now when it came to lung surgeries, was just how different this one was. My first two were wedge resections, this one was a partial lobectomy. What is the difference? Well the simplest way to put it is that my first two tumours were on the surface of my lung. My surgeon just has to go in and cut it off the top. My last tumour was in the tissue of the lung, so this time he had to take an actual portion of it. So that on top of everything else, made it hard for me to even walk up the stairs. One day I was so winded when I got to the top, I sat down on the bed to catch my breath. I was so exhausted from just those few steps, that I did not want to have to deal with it all over again just to get back downstairs. So I just sat there. This was my life now. Would I rather starve on the couch or get up and deal with not being about to breathe? I’ll starve.
What is a friend? Or the difference between a friend, and a good friend, or even a best friend? So close to you they are like family. How should this relationship be? During my experiences I have seen many people jump in and out of each category of friend. Some seem to understand it all at first, and then slowly fall away. There are certain ones however. Ones that know that some days you might be a little more emotional. Some days you might be extra distant. This many go on for weeks – barely any communication with one another. But that doesn’t matter to them. They are able to put their ego aside and have empathy. They are your voice when you are not able to speak. They display true friendship even when you are unable to witness it. THESE people are what it means to be a true friend. I hope everyone can find it within themselves to be this person every day. To think of others before themselves. To have understanding and compassion. It’s really not hard.
These past two and a half years have been go, go, go. My day to day focus was usually about preparing for something coming up. Whether it was a surgery, chemo, whatever. I’ve always been told by others that they are surprised how well I am able to hold it together. They weren’t wrong, for the most part I did have it all together. Now I just feel completely unraveled. It is almost like being sick was in a way, easier, because it was physical. I had a focus, where now I don’t. Everyday I have a fist full of sand that is just leaking out of every crack and I am just struggling to keep it all intact. It feels like an impossible task.
I have learned along the way to fake it pretty well. So I’m not sure most would even think anything is wrong. In a social setting I can handle myself and can speak and act as if everything is just fine and dandy. Inside however, I feel black and cold. Every day I feel alone and trapped in this hole that I can’t get out of. People can say they understand, but when it comes down to it, they don’t. All the depressed thoughts have been pushed aside week and week because I have had bigger things to focus on. Now everyday each little thought pops out of its hiding spot and adds to the pile of shit in my head.
The wedding is just a few weeks away and I am trying my hardest to pull it together. I thought the planning of it would take my mind off of everything else, but in fact it makes it worse. Every little detail and stress makes me want to pull more and more away.
I’m sure it won’t be like this forever. But just a day of it feels like an eternity.