These past two and a half years have been go, go, go. My day to day focus was usually about preparing for something coming up. Whether it was a surgery, chemo, whatever. I’ve always been told by others that they are surprised how well I am able to hold it together. They weren’t wrong, for the most part I did have it all together. Now I just feel completely unraveled. It is almost like being sick was in a way, easier, because it was physical. I had a focus, where now I don’t. Everyday I have a fist full of sand that is just leaking out of every crack and I am just struggling to keep it all intact. It feels like an impossible task.
I have learned along the way to fake it pretty well. So I’m not sure most would even think anything is wrong. In a social setting I can handle myself and can speak and act as if everything is just fine and dandy. Inside however, I feel black and cold. Every day I feel alone and trapped in this hole that I can’t get out of. People can say they understand, but when it comes down to it, they don’t. All the depressed thoughts have been pushed aside week and week because I have had bigger things to focus on. Now everyday each little thought pops out of its hiding spot and adds to the pile of shit in my head.
The wedding is just a few weeks away and I am trying my hardest to pull it together. I thought the planning of it would take my mind off of everything else, but in fact it makes it worse. Every little detail and stress makes me want to pull more and more away.
I’m sure it won’t be like this forever. But just a day of it feels like an eternity.