Clear

I have played out this day over and over in my head before. Many nights I would lay in bed trying to fall asleep and fantasize about my doctors saying to me, “Your scan is clear.” I thought last year it was going to happen, and then was crippled by the news that all of my cancer was back. This year I was hesitant. I felt good and I know that I have changed so many things in my diet that are positive, but there was always the chance. Saying I was nervous would be an understatement. I was an emotional wreck in the days leading up to my results appointment. When the day finally arrived I walked into the office as he said walking behind me, “So your scan looks good.” Get out. I was shocked. Even my CEA blood levels were only 0.3! Chris cried, and I sat there taking it all in. In my fantasy I jumped out of my seat and hugged Dr. Jay. I cried and wanted to film it so I could share the “reveal” video with all of my friends. In reality, I just sat there almost faking happiness.

I am happy. I am beyond happy. I need a clear scan to then have another, and another, and eventually stop worrying every day about this damn disease. I know I will never be “cured”. Stage four cancer patients always live in fear. But I would love to have one day in the future where I wake up and think, “Holy shit I didn’t think of cancer once yesterday.”

For now, I’m going to try and forget that January is just three months away, and this blissful life could come crashing down.

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2 thoughts on “Clear

  1. Gail says:

    Thank you for the update, and I’m absolutely thrilled for you. I also understand while this gives you an immediate sense of relief, that you will always have that nagging worry at the back of your mind. I think the trick is to continue to do what you have been doing. The nutritional component is clearly good for you no matter if you have cancer or not. If you can exercise as well, even better. Those are the things we can control. I’m heading for my CT scan this Tuesday. I’m nervous as well. In the meantime, I’m out there controlling, what I can control and trying not to freak out too much.

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