Is This Real Life? 

Seriously though – How beautiful is Thailand? 

I am fortunate enough to call this place home for the next two weeks, then I’m off to Australia for three more. It’s funny how I can be so grateful for this beautiful view and day one minute, and then the next remember that I am still very sick, and really only here because of that. I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life, and one of those amazing couples offered me last year two tickets to anywhere in the world. So here Chris and I are, in THAILAND. 

We couldn’t be happier here, but inside I am still fighting myself to stay happy. It is hard to keep pushing down those thoughts of – “What the fuck is going to happen to me this summer?” – and just take in all the beauty that today brings. So far, I’ve only had one big cry – so I’d say I’m doing fairly well. That cry though was a bad one. It was a deep, deep cry that had me say all of the dark thoughts running through my head… out loud… in front of Chris. Thoughts like, “Maybe it would be easier if cancer just won.” – Those kind of dark thoughts. 

Now don’t go getting your panties in a knot, I’m not suicidal. But when I am so down and upset, that thought pops up in my mind. I don’t enjoy feeling this way. I don’t like to worry about what tomorrow will bring. What if my cancer has spread further? What if it is true and chemo is no longer an option? What will happen then? All these questions are pointless to worry about so I try not to think of them. Keyword there is TRY. 

However sometimes all it takes is my period, being hangry (hungry and angry), and a stub of my toe and BOOM, the perfect combination for sadness to begin and dark thoughts to see their escape and run free!  It takes a patient man with a good sense of humour to snap me out of it. Too bad I only have Chris. Hahahaha BURN. 

He doesn’t read my blog but if he does he will say, “That’s girl funny, not actually funny.” He likes to think that girls only find girls funny. I beg to differ. 

Moving right along – The truth of the matter is, this is my real life. I’m half way across the world in a beautiful place LITERALLY trying to escape my own reality. It’s almost working….. white wine helps. 

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5 thoughts on “Is This Real Life? 

  1. Gail March 24, 2017 / 8:13 am

    “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”

    Jamie, it seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance, accepting things exactly as they are, can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness. That quote is from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Though I’m not one, and neither are you, (despite our obvious mutual love of white wine) I wanted to share this with you as it has helped me move through life. It helped me when I was laying in bed in hospital completely alone…well, except for Nurse Ratchet.

    Your health is clearly uncertain at this point. It probably sets your teeth on edge if someone tells you that everything is going to be alright. All I can do is offer you this advice. Yes, things might be dire, or not. But why would you let either dictate how you completely enjoy the NOW, this moment in your life. How DARE it intrude upon this once in lifetime trip?

    Regardless, much love and happiness to you, right at this moment, right at this time.

    • Jamie March 24, 2017 / 8:29 am

      Gail, I love everything that you said. Thank you for always saying the right thing and being a bright light in my life even though you are far away 💋.

  2. cait81 March 27, 2017 / 1:49 pm

    I completely relate. It’s the mental aspect of Stage IV that is the hardest. I have similar thoughts – maybe it would be easier for my nearly two year old to lose me now than when she’s a bit older. Sometimes I think ‘how is this my life????’

    • Jamie March 27, 2017 / 7:36 pm

      Oh my adding kids to the mix is a whole other level. I’m sorry you have to go through that. ❤

  3. cait81 March 29, 2017 / 4:01 pm

    Makes it better and worse. Sending you love ❤️

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