For those of you who were worried – no I didn’t die during surgery. I know I usually post twice a month, but after I came out of the hospital I started dealing with some major mental issues.
I always seem to go into a sort of depressed state during my surgery recoveries, so at first I did not think this one was any different. Now I realize I was wrong. It’s been 6 weeks since my surgery and I still have not come out of my “funk”. I was waiting till I felt a little happier in order to post something uplifting, but the truth is I haven’t felt that way yet. So sorry everyone, but the “bright and happy” posts are not hitting this blog any time soon.
When you are medically free from cancer, they shake your hand and send you on your way with your next scan appointment. Unfortunately our system is missing the step that should come after that, dealing with your mental state. In the hospital system they are so worried about you physically, that they pay no attention to you mentally. So I’ve been cleared of cancer this time, now what? Just go on with my daily life while I heal from my surgery? Smile and be happy that I yet again am on the road to a clear scan? I wish it was that easy. Maybe for some it is. In my case, since I’ve been told I’m “cancer free” twice in the past already, I now have major hesitations hearing that phrase again. I can put on a show and smile, but it’s not real. Inside I feel as broken as my scars make me look.
So what do I do? Avoid people.
Why? Well when people have asked me how I am doing, and I am honest and say something like, “It’s been tough. I’m definitely depressed. I cry a lot, and sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if the cancer had just won.” Their face goes from smiling to just lost for words. Usually an, “oh sorry” comes out after. Then I feel even more like shit because I’ve gone and done it again. All they wanted was a “I’m doing well thanks” type of answer, and now I’ve dragged them into this hole I’m in. No one wants to be around a person like that – who is just on edge and could cry at any moment. So I avoid.
Is it the healthiest thing to do? Probably not – but for now it is working for me. I have a small cluster of people that I will see when I am feeling up to it, but even those hangouts I try to keep short. Stay around me too long and you will be hearing some really depressing shit that will make you regret ever asking me to hang out in the first place.
Yes, I plan on going back to my therapist – eventually. Even her right now I just don’t feel like talking to. No one seems to truly understand why I am as messed up as I say I am. The roller coaster ride for me has had many ups and downs, and I’m still stuck on it.
Chris through all this has been amazing. I’ve cried to him many times telling him that he should just leave me, and he’s laughed it off. It makes my life a lot easier knowing I can be completely open and honest with him, and that he won’t also be sucked into my black hole. He seems to be able to stay off to the side of it and pull me out every time.
So for those of you expecting some inspirational post talking about how amazing I am that I’ve beaten cancer yet again, and if I can do it so can you! – My bad, you aren’t going to be reading that here just yet.
Have I beat stage 4 colon cancer? Maybe. (I actually highly doubt it)
Actually let’s rephrase that – Have I physically beat cancer? Maybe. Have I mentally beat it? Nope.
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