Surprise, I’m Grieving

I’ve gotten pretty good at smiling and replying “I’m good!” whenever I’m asked the simple question, “How are you?”. It’s not 100% a lie.

Since I start treatment in two weeks I have been kind of living in this haze. I know what’s coming but I’m also forgetting that my whole life is going to be flipped upside down again soon.

So I’ve been back to my old hermit ways. Keeping busy with my own stuff but not really seeing too much of anyone. This time it is different from before, at least it feels different. I don’t know if I will ever come out of it. I just truthfully do not have anything to say. If they try to get deeper after my “I’m good!” response – then I have nothing for them. No one can even begin to grasp what it is like to grieve your life all over again. I had just found my feet again, and even put heels on them I felt so confident, and then BAM – pushed back down, kicked and spat on. I know there are those with good intentions who try to compare, but I just feel like they can’t.

This is my THIRD time being told that it is hopeless and I’ll be on chemo for life. Yes the positive is they were wrong twice before, so there is a chance they are wrong now. But you try hearing the words “you are going to die” THREE times in under 5 years. It completely destroys you. This time is also VERY different because EVEN IF they try and operate it is so risky and invasive that it might kill me in the process.

Grieving is hard. I honestly believed it was all over and I had beaten cancer. I fantasized in my head everyday of how it would be going back to work. How maybe I should start speaking out and giving others hope for cancer survival. How my story is so crazy and that others need to hear it. I thought about what house I want to move into in 10 years and where I would like to travel to. I even thought about turning all this into maybe a book, or evolving my blog into a wellness and lifestyle one that didn’t just focus on cancer.

I made plans for my future life.

Now that future is grey. (And please don’t say everyone’s technically is, because I’m not in that place right now. Also people who preach that 9.9 times out of 10 are healthy so they can really shut the fuck up.)

So how do I even begin to explain to someone the amount of grief I am feeling? I can’t, so I don’t. Ok so next comes the sentence, “So we don’t have to talk about it.” Right – so then what is there to talk about? Surface level stuff that I just don’t care about right now? Yep, and I’m not interested in that either. I have to be selfish and focus on what keeps me mentally stable, and that right now is keeping to myself. I might feel like this for a few more weeks, or it could take months. Who knows. I’m in no rush to change it and I’m not apologizing for it either. I’m sick and I’m dying so I don’t have time to not be selfish.

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