Doctors appointments are never fun. There is always a build up to them. Always pent up anxiety associated with them.
Yesterday I had another ultrasound scheduled, and then an appointment to see my gynaecological surgeon an hour later. Back in April we discussed that she wanted a few more chemos, and then another scan and ultrasound before she would make her decision on whether or not I should have surgery. So for the past three months that is really all I have thought about. If given the choice, do I just remove the one ovary, or go for the full hysterectomy? What if there is no surgery, how do I feel about that? These questions and many more have just spun around in my head over and over again.
So when we found out that Raptors parade was scheduled to be the same day as these two appointments, we were less than thrilled. Changing these was not an option for me. Coordinating one would have been a challenge, but two? Nearly impossible. I did not want to wait a day longer to find out what the rest of my year will look like. So we suffered through the crowd and chaos and made it to the first hospital on time.
Another probe up the vag. Another uncomfortable dark room. But it was all over in 40 minutes. On to the next hospital.
I had a CT last week, which was also a challenge. In April. She specifically said she wanted a CT before this meeting. Another hard thing to coordinate. It was phone calls back and forth, appointments that needed to be canceled and changed, because CTs do not book easily. Having a deadline for them is extremely hard, especially when every other week I am too sick to go. And she also wanted me to have a few chemos under my belt before the scan. So the window for this scan was really just a certain week. Try explaining that to the booking department. Boy they just loved me. Yet, somehow I pulled it off. Like I said, nothing was going to stop me from getting the answers I needed.
My appointment was at 3:15pm, however every time I have seen her in the past it was always at least an hour late. So when we were called in at 3:12pm, I was pleasantly surprised.
In came the first nurse as expected. They usually ask some questions and make small chit chat to buy some time while you wait some more.
After 2 minutes of small talk she says, “So, she is in a meeting right now and won’t actually be seeing you today.”
A meeting? A fucking meeting? Do doctors not understand the mental shit we go through leading up to these fucking appointments. We battle and struggle everyday to keep ourselves together because the anxiety building up in our bodies is suffocating. And she’s in a fucking meeting. Is she in a meeting about how to save the planet? Or how to cure cancer? I would like to know what this meeting is about, because it better be a good meeting. It better be worth not showing up to my appointment.
All of that stress and anxiety not only about these appointments, but also about having to some how navigate through Toronto with over 2 million people there for that stupid parade. For nothing. No answers. She’s in a meeting, and she will call me sometime this week.