Mind Trip

Last night I walked in the door after being in Vegas for 4 days, and it took me 5 minutes to realize I was in a mood. I felt like I would snap at any minute, and then did on Chris. I was frustrated and annoyed and just put myself to bed. Today I woke up feeling the exact same. Tried to take the dog for a walk, but still couldn’t shake this feeling. After showering Chris asked me to come sit down and talk to him so he could try and figure out what’s wrong. One minute later I was crying, and wasn’t sure why. After a few minutes of tears and trying to assess what was going on in my head I figured it out – In Vegas I was the closest thing to my old self. I haven’t felt that way in almost 3 years.

I laughed and laughed, I got drunk and had a hallway dance party to Mariah Carey – I felt free. People would be looking at me for reasons of their own – maybe I was laughing too loud, or dancing like a fool, or for the first time in a long while, because I actually looked pretty and was walking with confidence. All of these feelings in me I have not felt in the longest time. I blended in as just another girl who is having an amazing time in Vegas. I went to bed at night and only thought about how I can’t believe I didn’t hit on roulette, and what tables I would play in the morning. That was it.

Today all of that is gone and I am back to reality.

I broke. Chris sat there and just watched as I went from tears rolling down my face to a full sobbing mess. He tried to make me feel better and say that everyone feels that way when they get home, that’s why it’s called a vacation. But I hated that response and started yelling through my tears, “It’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same!” I threw my face in my hands and sat there balling my eyes out and trying to catch my breath. I never realized how much I missed my old self until I saw a glimpse of her again. She was fun, confident, independent, smart, care free and beautiful. This new person I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I am better in many ways but worse in others. I feel like a solider who has gone to war. They have seen so much death and despair. They had to wake up everyday and fight for their life, and may have scars to prove it. Then they come home and just have to try and forget everything that their memory won’t let them. They are forever changed.

My break down was interrupted by Chris’s phone ringing, which was perfect. I told him to take it and went back to blow drying my hair. I’ve become really good at putting the cork back in the bottle and just continuing on with my day.

 

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Stuff

Just like everyone else living in a first world country – I have accumulated a lot of stuff over my short 29 years. So now the issue is – when do I start to get rid of it? I have slowly been going through my old but good clothes that will never fit again – selling them piece by piece. I can’t say this is a cleansing experience because I am not selling to just clean out my closet. I am selling a lot of my clothes because they will either never fit again, or I will never have another use for them (dress pants for work, etc). I am starting to think about what will happen to everything once I am gone. I hate the thought of all my expensive clothes, shoes, purses, linens, antiques and others being packed up and just sent off to Value Village. Even though I shop there a lot, and do donate often, I somehow feel like my things deserve better. But why? It is just stuff. I have no control over what happens when I die, so really what should I care? For now I will continue to sell little by little in order to help fund my vacations. Long term disability is great, but it is not a lot. I would love the idea of when I pass for people in my life to take a lot of my items, but I assume they may find that strange. “Hey, where did you get that jacket?” – “Oh, my dead friend gave it to me.”