Mind Trip

Last night I walked in the door after being in Vegas for 4 days, and it took me 5 minutes to realize I was in a mood. I felt like I would snap at any minute, and then did on Chris. I was frustrated and annoyed and just put myself to bed. Today I woke up feeling the exact same. Tried to take the dog for a walk, but still couldn’t shake this feeling. After showering Chris asked me to come sit down and talk to him so he could try and figure out what’s wrong. One minute later I was crying, and wasn’t sure why. After a few minutes of tears and trying to assess what was going on in my head I figured it out – In Vegas I was the closest thing to my old self. I haven’t felt that way in almost 3 years.

I laughed and laughed, I got drunk and had a hallway dance party to Mariah Carey – I felt free. People would be looking at me for reasons of their own – maybe I was laughing too loud, or dancing like a fool, or for the first time in a long while, because I actually looked pretty and was walking with confidence. All of these feelings in me I have not felt in the longest time. I blended in as just another girl who is having an amazing time in Vegas. I went to bed at night and only thought about how I can’t believe I didn’t hit on roulette, and what tables I would play in the morning. That was it.

Today all of that is gone and I am back to reality.

I broke. Chris sat there and just watched as I went from tears rolling down my face to a full sobbing mess. He tried to make me feel better and say that everyone feels that way when they get home, that’s why it’s called a vacation. But I hated that response and started yelling through my tears, “It’s not the same, it’s not the same, it’s not the same!” I threw my face in my hands and sat there balling my eyes out and trying to catch my breath. I never realized how much I missed my old self until I saw a glimpse of her again. She was fun, confident, independent, smart, care free and beautiful. This new person I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I am better in many ways but worse in others. I feel like a solider who has gone to war. They have seen so much death and despair. They had to wake up everyday and fight for their life, and may have scars to prove it. Then they come home and just have to try and forget everything that their memory won’t let them. They are forever changed.

My break down was interrupted by Chris’s phone ringing, which was perfect. I told him to take it and went back to blow drying my hair. I’ve become really good at putting the cork back in the bottle and just continuing on with my day.


Cancer In The News

A few nights ago I was wide awake late into the night (this seems to be a reoccurring problem for me, stupid brain will not shut off) – so I hopped on the good ole Facebook to see if anyone read any interesting articles lately. I came across one about a girl who was on a reality show on MTV, who just passed away from cancer at the age of 32. I thought to myself that it would probably be a bad idea to read this, but went ahead with it anyways. Dumb. She went into remission two or three times before the cancer won the battle. I of course, immediately related this to myself and became a blubbering mess. 1:15am and the call went out to a friend – “Talk me down from this.” – I begged. Lucky for me she stayed on the phone for the next hour until I was finally ready to try falling asleep again.

Conclusion? I need to stay away from articles like this.

Conclusion #2? Why does every article or news story always seem to be about the diagnosis and death related to cancer. I never seem to come across a posting about hope and happiness. Someone who was diagnosed as terminal or with stage 4 or whatever – and is still alive years later clean and surpassing all odds. Of course this does not make for as juicy of a story then scaring the population about the horrors of cancer. There are probably a hand full of news stories out there with good news, but there is no way I am googling it and cyphering through all the bad shit.

Next Goal? Other than the fact that every birthday from here on out will be a huge celebration for me – Live to forty and force a news company to run a story about hope. Even though I do not want cancer to define who I am – have this story to be all that my life ends up being about. Telling it over and over and having it control me for years. It is hard to deny that it has changed me – as well as the people close to me. I have seen it as a beacon of strength. When you thought you were already a strong person – it has forced you outside the box of comfort and shaped you into someone you may not recognize. That is what it has done for me at least, and for many of my close relationships. I have seen people change right in front of my eyes. They have become a better version of themselves by helping me through this shitty experience. Hopefully years down the road with can laugh at this whole thing, but also maybe in a weird and crazy way be thankful. Being at your lowest of lows can also provide you with the greatest highs.