My first Vlog

Two weeks ago I met with Dr. Calvin Law, the Chief of Staff at Sunnybrook hopsital for my second opinion. Then I came home and made a 16 minute video lol. I have been contemplating ever since if I should post it. First, the reason for the video:

Sometimes when I sit down to write a post I feel like even though I am not editing my feelings, the words just don’t express them properly. So I have been debating for a while to try out a video to make it easier to say everything I want to say, but the problem is I am super lazy and do not want to learn how to edit them.

Here are some things you need to know before watching:

First – I was out with my mom all day in Toronto running errands. Then we went to Sunnybrook and were there for 4 hours waiting and talking to the doctors and nurses. Needless to say, I was exhausted.

Second – Chris was away on business so I came home to an empty house.

Third – Sometimes I just need a good cry, and it is constant throughout the entire video.

So – why post it at all? Well I think it is important that you see a glimpse into just how my brain works and the emotions, thoughts and feelings that bounce around within my head. I have never been filtered before, so why edit it down and cut out the quiet moments or the moments where I may not make sense or am wiping my nose.

I will say this, I have not felt this low since. I can’t use the word “rollercoaster” enough in this entire blog, but it so accurately describes my experiences with cancer. I haven’t actually cried in days, so don’t watch this and then freak out and call me (aka – Mom I know you are about to lose it lol)

I do ask one thing though – If you click on the link, please commit to watching the full 16 minutes. Yes, that is a long time to watch me cry and ramble on – but if you can’t handle seeing what it is like to be me for 16 minutes then why the fuck are you even reading this blog?

Young. Female. Cancer. – YouTube

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Hospitals Are Fun

It has been one full week now since I have been home from the hospital. I had high hopes going in that this time would be different. If they knew the drugs that did not work for me, I would be in the clear. Nope, wrong again. It started off so well I thought. I woke up from my surgery and was almost fully lucid by Monday night. Tuesday morning they removed the drainage tube running down my nose into my stomach (I did not have this last time…. not fun). By Tuesday afternoon they were moving me out of the ICU and into the surgery ward. Then there was Wednesday. The morning of this day is foggy to me, but I know by the afternoon my pulse had risen to 160 and I thought I was dying. Seriously though. I would look the the clock and a minute would feel like an hour. I actually thought, “Well, this is how I die”. In order to try and get my heart rate under control, a doctor came in and said something to me, but all I could make out was, “….going to hurt a lot…. stop your heart…. could control your heart rate….”. Since I thought I was dying anyways, I was willing to try anything at this point. Now, I am not sure how they did it – but I know it happened. My heart stopped and I arched my back so fast in pain. Sure enough, I was back down in the ICU that night. Thursday morning I was told they would like to put in a drain in my side to release fluid building up around my liver. Another procedure to be done while I am awake? Can’t wait! This time there was no singing or high fives – just a lot of crying. Hallucinations came and went for the next few days, but by Saturday I was well enough to move back to the ward. By Monday the vac was off my wound, and they pulled the drain out from my side (now that again…. was not fun). Tuesday afternoon came and I was good to go and on my way home.

War Wounds

This surgery has been by far the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. I was nervous the morning of, but more for the needle in the hand. When it came time to take me in to the operating room, I was a crying mess. Said goodbye to my parents and then walked in to a room full of doctors. They said all the things they could say to try and calm me down, but it was not working. I think they tried to give me the drugs to shut me up as fast as they could. The rest of Monday is blur, I remembering seeing my parents I think? I was so doped up who knows what I was dreaming.

Tuesday to Friday afternoon I was in a doped up state. I would come in and out of consciousness. Wednesday I even hallucinated all day which was so scary. A combo of all of the drugs they had me on was giving me a reaction. They luckily figured it out before I was in a psych ward. Tuesday they also went back in for 4 hours to block the vein in my liver. I was awake for this – do not worry I was heavily doped up. The nurse who was with me came to visit on Saturday night and I asked her – “I vaguely remember singing ‘Come On Eileen’. True or False?”. Very much true. She said I was singing and trying to high five doctors while open on the table – so my hands had to be restrained.

Friday afternoon out of no where, my brain turned back on. I was finally myself again! The good news was that I could actually now do things such as read, look at my phone, etc. The bad news was that when people were not visiting it was just me, myself and I. Hospitals are extremely boring. It is also hard to sleep when a nurse comes to take your stats every two hours. Friday night my surgeon visited and let me know I was free to leave on Sunday.

Now at home, life it so much better. I am in constant pain and it is hard to really do anything but I push through. Day by day I am getting better. Sitting on a chair, no one would be able to tell what I have been through. Underneath my shirt however, now tells a story. *Warning: the below picture may be graphic for some. Viewer discretion is advised*

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